Stuff...

I am pretty sure that I need to abandon this blog. I had big intentions, but sometimes, intentions blow up in your face. I have gone back to written diaries (archaic I know - my best friend knows that if anything should happen to me that she is to directly remove all written diaries at ONCE. I don't need records of my deepest thoughts, feeling, secrets, disappointments, etc being found by just anybody thanks very much - but writing is my centric outlet and always has been. I find it incredibly hard to voice my thoughts and feelings, but have no problem bashing them out on paper). It just seems that being a super PA that I can type faster than I can write. I've had a challenging and heart wrenching few weeks. I've had to really look inside myself and decide what I want, what I don't want and just what I'm willing to put up with in all aspects of my life. My baby Nessa (as in neccessary) cat died, which I was absolutely devastated about. Guilt is a funny old feeling. I left her in Oz back in 2001 when she was five. I got her when she was an itty bitty baby of about 3 weeks old and she was the most loyal, affectionate, darling cat ever - I was her mommy and she knew it. She was my baby. It killed me to leave her behind when I moved to the UK. But sometimes you have to be cruel to yourself to be kind. 6 months of quarantine would have been cruel and she had an amazing life in Oz with my family. She passed away three weeks ago, and because I was going through some pretty (what I felt were) traumatic times, I didn't get told until this week. I understand why I wasn't told, as at the time I was going through an incredibly horrid time in my personal life and was only being 'protected' by my family. I'm still sad though. I don't understand people who aren't attached to or feel love for animals. They have always played such a centric role in my life. And it kills me to be without a pet. Luckily, I can shower all that pent up love on to our office dog, Dash, who bless her, spends her days snoozing around the office and sniffing out treats from all of us at lunch time! I'm going home to Oz for 4 weeks in Sept to spend quality time with my gigantic crazy family (especially my gorgeous neice who will be 2 in February and I've never met - and oh - the mom hugs)! I can't wait to get my paws on Bella Boo (especially as my mother says that the poor girl has a tragic haircut)! I will miss TGB, but things have been a bit difficult as late - non-written communication has never been my strong point - and that's something we both need to work on. At the end of the day, I love him to bits - he makes me laugh, feel beautiful, I miss him when he's not around and I love spending time with him - but there are issues that we both need to work on. Usually at this point I would completely bail because it all just seemed like too much effort. This time, it still feels like too much effort, but it's an effort I WANT to make. It's pretty f*cking scary!!! I have set and stated my boundaries, and will have to go through with them if all else fails. I live in hope (even though I am an eternal pessimist). Some things are just worth fighting for. We shall see. Anyway...I have a 'real' job to go to and posh people to deal with, so I am off to bed. For those of you not in the 'know' - the posh word of the day is 'SMASHING'!!! Jesus - I'm gonna have to buy me a Debretts manual! xxx