Stuff...

I am pretty sure that I need to abandon this blog. I had big intentions, but sometimes, intentions blow up in your face. I have gone back to written diaries (archaic I know - my best friend knows that if anything should happen to me that she is to directly remove all written diaries at ONCE. I don't need records of my deepest thoughts, feeling, secrets, disappointments, etc being found by just anybody thanks very much - but writing is my centric outlet and always has been. I find it incredibly hard to voice my thoughts and feelings, but have no problem bashing them out on paper). It just seems that being a super PA that I can type faster than I can write. I've had a challenging and heart wrenching few weeks. I've had to really look inside myself and decide what I want, what I don't want and just what I'm willing to put up with in all aspects of my life. My baby Nessa (as in neccessary) cat died, which I was absolutely devastated about. Guilt is a funny old feeling. I left her in Oz back in 2001 when she was five. I got her when she was an itty bitty baby of about 3 weeks old and she was the most loyal, affectionate, darling cat ever - I was her mommy and she knew it. She was my baby. It killed me to leave her behind when I moved to the UK. But sometimes you have to be cruel to yourself to be kind. 6 months of quarantine would have been cruel and she had an amazing life in Oz with my family. She passed away three weeks ago, and because I was going through some pretty (what I felt were) traumatic times, I didn't get told until this week. I understand why I wasn't told, as at the time I was going through an incredibly horrid time in my personal life and was only being 'protected' by my family. I'm still sad though. I don't understand people who aren't attached to or feel love for animals. They have always played such a centric role in my life. And it kills me to be without a pet. Luckily, I can shower all that pent up love on to our office dog, Dash, who bless her, spends her days snoozing around the office and sniffing out treats from all of us at lunch time! I'm going home to Oz for 4 weeks in Sept to spend quality time with my gigantic crazy family (especially my gorgeous neice who will be 2 in February and I've never met - and oh - the mom hugs)! I can't wait to get my paws on Bella Boo (especially as my mother says that the poor girl has a tragic haircut)! I will miss TGB, but things have been a bit difficult as late - non-written communication has never been my strong point - and that's something we both need to work on. At the end of the day, I love him to bits - he makes me laugh, feel beautiful, I miss him when he's not around and I love spending time with him - but there are issues that we both need to work on. Usually at this point I would completely bail because it all just seemed like too much effort. This time, it still feels like too much effort, but it's an effort I WANT to make. It's pretty f*cking scary!!! I have set and stated my boundaries, and will have to go through with them if all else fails. I live in hope (even though I am an eternal pessimist). Some things are just worth fighting for. We shall see. Anyway...I have a 'real' job to go to and posh people to deal with, so I am off to bed. For those of you not in the 'know' - the posh word of the day is 'SMASHING'!!! Jesus - I'm gonna have to buy me a Debretts manual! xxx

Eloquent and all encompassing

http://bethaney145.wordpress.com/2007/05/24/things-that-i-feel-that-other-people-already-said/

http://distractedspunk.wordpress.com/2008/06/09/the-earth-and-the-milky-way-too/

Wow. I cried.

My heart...

...is breaking

...I guess Boo really is missing...

Oh dear. I've been neglecting this blog in favour of (gasp) hand written diary entries!!! It's not that I've been completely ignoring this poor little blog (let's face it, I have good intentions and have been meaning to type them all up) but lately my feelings/thoughts/life have been fast forwarded so quickly that I haven't had a chance to update here. Don't get excited...not a whole lot has changed since my last post...that is if you don't count going on holiday with TGB (the gorgeous boy) and being made redundant from my job (not effective until 17 June to qualify for redundancy payment, which if you were wondering, would just be enough to enable me to pack up and leave the UK behind without looking back...but it so happens that that isn't emotionally possible). Just wanted to let you know that I'm not dead yet...I have plans for this typepad! I just need to pull my thoughts and feelings together and send out a semi-coherent post (ahem....working on that)!

So, I'll be back quite shortly! xx

A short update...

Thankfully my stepdad's surgery went as well as could be expected, and he is now safely at home and resting his weary heart (quite literally). I'm not religious by any means (when you've worked with dead people for a while, you start to doubt the existence of any God), but I prayed a lot to something. I didn't get much sleep last week as you can imagine - but I got more than my poor mom who had to go through all of the drama ALONE. AGAIN. What's the use in having a large (albeit crazy) family if none of them are willing to step up to bat when it's needed the most?!?!? Lucky for them I'm on a different continent altogether, as me in a bad mood with my spectacularly uncensored potty mouth + them being ASS HATS = trouble (and me being taken out of numerous last will & testaments). Probably even luckier is that my days of drunken dialling are (mostly) behind me. Everyone is OK and that's all that matters in the end.

In other news, I am still making forays into the world of therapy (honestly, the man has the most vast array of cardigans and spotty socks I've ever seen). He obviously loves what he does, and must be quite good at it for me to even consider seeing him more than once (tomorrow will mark session FOUR), but it's confusing. I want to work on my (non)ability to have real relationships; he says I have to work on my relationship with myself. I'm not sure I understand precisely what this means, or exactly what it is I'm supposed to talk about. Instead of nodding in agreement, tomorrow I might bite the bullet and admit that I have absolutely no idea of how to go about that. I have, however, noticed that since I've started seeing him, that I've had the most horrid, vivid dreams about people and experiences I haven't thought about in years. Night sweats, nausea, crying in my sleep and waking up thinking it was all real...only to find myself safely tucked into bed with my gorgeous, lovely boyfriend and then the word RELIEF doesn't quite cover it. Does this mean all the stuff I've tried not to deal with in the past 10 years is slowly leaking to the surface? Ugh. Seriously

This blog hasn't been quite what I was expecting it to be. I'm funny, damnit. And I promise to get back to writing funny (sarcastic) stories soon....cause I have a whole plethora of stories to share!

I carry your heart....

My stepdad (who has been more of a father to me in 10 years than my 'real' father has ever been) is having heart surgery (again) tomorrow. Your thoughts and prayers would be much appreciated. I'm trying to be strong for my mom and for him, but really, I'd like to sit down and have a great big sob. Why is it that the people who least deserve it suffer the most? There isn't much I can do from the UK when they're in Sydney...but I'm there in thoughts and spirit. And all I can do is wait and hope.

Mom - I love you both. More than I can tell you. And CALL ME. Wish I could give you a huge hug. xoxoxoxoxox

Cupid's hit me straight between the eyes...

...who knew the little chubby man with wings had good aim?!?!? I feel like I've started this whole new bit of my life - different from anything I've ever experienced or thought that I would - and I'm terrified. But loving every minute of it. I'm falling in love. And taking a new approach to myself, my life and relationships. And even though I know that the path ahead is going to be hard and I've got a long way to go - this time I don't want to go to bed and hide from the monsters in my closet. I'm smiling for no reason...and I LIKE it!