A short update...

Thankfully my stepdad's surgery went as well as could be expected, and he is now safely at home and resting his weary heart (quite literally). I'm not religious by any means (when you've worked with dead people for a while, you start to doubt the existence of any God), but I prayed a lot to something. I didn't get much sleep last week as you can imagine - but I got more than my poor mom who had to go through all of the drama ALONE. AGAIN. What's the use in having a large (albeit crazy) family if none of them are willing to step up to bat when it's needed the most?!?!? Lucky for them I'm on a different continent altogether, as me in a bad mood with my spectacularly uncensored potty mouth + them being ASS HATS = trouble (and me being taken out of numerous last will & testaments). Probably even luckier is that my days of drunken dialling are (mostly) behind me. Everyone is OK and that's all that matters in the end.

In other news, I am still making forays into the world of therapy (honestly, the man has the most vast array of cardigans and spotty socks I've ever seen). He obviously loves what he does, and must be quite good at it for me to even consider seeing him more than once (tomorrow will mark session FOUR), but it's confusing. I want to work on my (non)ability to have real relationships; he says I have to work on my relationship with myself. I'm not sure I understand precisely what this means, or exactly what it is I'm supposed to talk about. Instead of nodding in agreement, tomorrow I might bite the bullet and admit that I have absolutely no idea of how to go about that. I have, however, noticed that since I've started seeing him, that I've had the most horrid, vivid dreams about people and experiences I haven't thought about in years. Night sweats, nausea, crying in my sleep and waking up thinking it was all real...only to find myself safely tucked into bed with my gorgeous, lovely boyfriend and then the word RELIEF doesn't quite cover it. Does this mean all the stuff I've tried not to deal with in the past 10 years is slowly leaking to the surface? Ugh. Seriously

This blog hasn't been quite what I was expecting it to be. I'm funny, damnit. And I promise to get back to writing funny (sarcastic) stories soon....cause I have a whole plethora of stories to share!

I carry your heart....

My stepdad (who has been more of a father to me in 10 years than my 'real' father has ever been) is having heart surgery (again) tomorrow. Your thoughts and prayers would be much appreciated. I'm trying to be strong for my mom and for him, but really, I'd like to sit down and have a great big sob. Why is it that the people who least deserve it suffer the most? There isn't much I can do from the UK when they're in Sydney...but I'm there in thoughts and spirit. And all I can do is wait and hope.

Mom - I love you both. More than I can tell you. And CALL ME. Wish I could give you a huge hug. xoxoxoxoxox

Cupid's hit me straight between the eyes...

...who knew the little chubby man with wings had good aim?!?!? I feel like I've started this whole new bit of my life - different from anything I've ever experienced or thought that I would - and I'm terrified. But loving every minute of it. I'm falling in love. And taking a new approach to myself, my life and relationships. And even though I know that the path ahead is going to be hard and I've got a long way to go - this time I don't want to go to bed and hide from the monsters in my closet. I'm smiling for no reason...and I LIKE it!

Mr Smarty Pants may have hit the nail on the head...

Therapist - 1
(and he was wearing the same socks....maybe they're his 'Tuesday' socks)???
Boo - NIL

"Self sabotage is any behavior which thwarts your efforts to accomplish your goals. Self sabotage is when we say we want to accomplish something then go about making sure that we don’t. Self sabotage is when we work against our own best interests. Self Sabotage is Unconscious.
Most of us don’t consciously work to sabotage ourselves. We consciously work very hard to get where we want to go, but something gets in our way. That something is often ourselves and our subconscious. We subconsciously work against ourselves and this internal tug of war is often evident in our thoughts and feelings. We want to go the gym, but somehow don’t get there. We want to apply for that job, but somehow don’t manage to get our resume turned in on time. In this mental tug of war, the subconscious will always win."

Fuck me. There's a whole lot of unravelling to be done.
That is all.